I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
