this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
