so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
