Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
