dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
