I seem to have left my pride at pride
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
