my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
