I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
