I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
