We need to rekindle our bromance
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I still have a little drunk in my system
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
