i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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