i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
