If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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