Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
