I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
