Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
