I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
