Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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