That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
