We won't sleep together?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
