I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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