I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
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you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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