before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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