So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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