take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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