Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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