Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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