You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
