I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
