i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
