oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
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worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
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I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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