I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
