Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
