you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
