PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
