I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
