I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
