I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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