if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
