Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you had me at cake vodka
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
