You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
