No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize