apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
