He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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