I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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