just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably