I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
