Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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