The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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