She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
