Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
