Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
