he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
