I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
