Duck Duck Cougar?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
