I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
