Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
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That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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