i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
